Ameer

Today was sooo strange. I had hardly anything to do. Well really yesterday I was thinking about how I don't get much time anymore for grooming myself, which doesn't mean the same as women take grooming but rather when I say grooming it means more like keeping up with tutorials at invetopeida and following up with business news daily. So today I encountered with self-grooming time. But unlike other times, I did not utilize it as well as I do usually. Instead, I took upon my bed to be my couch and became a bed potato. It felt great until it's time to go sleepy time and that is when I look back to see what I really achieved the during the entire day. But I didn't stop thinking about my investment plans. I spoke to Doris from metlife and she guided me new ways to invest my savings which by today equals to 3,200. She told me to subscribe to CDS system that banks use to give monies to their loaners. In that way your sitting money doesn't only just sit their instead a certificate replaces the saved money and the interest keeps rolling until maturity expires. So I plan to research about it some more tomorrow and head to the bank and inquire with the manager on how to go about this procedure. I think it would be a great idea. Besides until I am fully and completly prepared to start my business, I know that my money would be in a save place and not stuck in some fluctuation risk where I would sweat and not even sit straight. I am talking about stocks. I finally thought about it and I have decided that I am not a stock person currently instead I am a little more conservative than that, not that I am not a risktaker but more like what I have to lose is almost everything. I would literally crumple up into a small tiny marble if I lost my money that is why I am a little bit cautious than usual, besides I have to work my tushi off to earn that money. I will always have a thing for stocks but just not now, only when I have less to lose while right now it's almost everything I dream of besides the other special things I dream of*hint*which mean more than money to me. eh Just wanted to end this journal with a good note.adios suckas hope tomorrow is just as good, oh yea ameer if you are checking this on 4-25 you got a dentist apointment sharp at 4:05, by the you have good teeeth. <---self note. P.S. I couldn't bake cupcakes for my sweetheart. sorry babe some family business came up. You'll know what I mean when I'll explain.

Have you ever had your toes cut-off. Well I have ], its funny because wihtout toes you cannot walk but there is no pain. Before my life had a direction but now I am more confused than a man who has 50-50 gamble. All of these years I had built so many dreams in fact dreams upon dreams but one of these previous dates, everything came falling down. I am tired of life shooting down my hopes. Predominatly, I hit things but what if there aren't things left to hit. How useless can a man be than me? Why should I not sit down next to that homeless guy at the bus station when I know that my hopes are shot down. I know I will not let myself to that level extremity but what I do know is that if things stay persistent and run opppsite of my water current, I will leave my world where I build my hopes. I will leave to a place where only pain will be fed but atleast hopes will not be shot down again and again. What to do? so much on my mind, so much to establish? give up or keep going...well one thing is for sure life is so f****** uncertain that the only thing that is certain is the word certain. Well then how could life be stretched on the bases of uncertainty?

This week was pretty damn boring. No offense to my friends who occupied my time predominantly. Recently I feel like a chunk of me is missing. I remember telling myself that I would never let people misuse me and take me for granted. Well I guess I cannot control it. It has become a nasty habit of mine. I don't know when I will find someone who will get me rid of these nasty habits. Everyone I know, wants something and as soon as they feel did they received it, then immediately they forget what I have done for them. It's okay if some of them do this but ALL. I feel degraded. Maybe I think it's in my personality. I was made this way to bear with people constantly using me for their wants not needs. Then my friends tell me that I am great at putting on a face. Yes, I am good at it but i only do that and harm myself. I don't tell others that I was violated today because I was used. Sometimes I wish I could cry. But unfortunately tears is not my thing. In fact my problem is that the people who I trust the most and love the most forget me on certain very significant occasions when truly I could use their help. Now that I think about all of this, I think of leaving. I know that one day I will drop everything and leave, leave somewhere so far that there will not be no turning back with out my own consent. Besides what is the point of being among people who don't appreciate. *Sigh*. People are a funny being. We don't realize things when they are around us but as soon as it suddenly disappears then we remember how not grateful we were. Everyone seems to look for someone when they are frustrated with life but when it's my turn I don't get that certain person to sit and hear me for one second, but believe I have been there for many individuals when they required someone. I have been there emotionally and phsyically to give them hope.

All i wanted to do was talk to her about things but i guess she feels like she cant do that with me. i dont know what i have done in the past to make her this way. but she grows quiet on the phone and i feel like i am wasting her time by trying to talk to her. it is like she has better things to do than talk to me. it's okay i guess. sometimes i can be boring but she doesnt help it. if something is wrong then i expect her to answer to me because i want to know if there is something i could do to make her feel better. Now she is going to forget about me for 3 or four hours and then she is going to call. I guess she can talk to me anytime she wants but when i want to she grows silent. its not right to keep someone in the dark.

defining margin and leverage in stock world is quite dificult. not understanding the true meaning of these two words can cause nervous breakdowns, pocket holes and etc. anywho i am looking at the orthodox meaning of the two. some college students not too old write that they used loans as leverages to buy stocks and gained several grand over the 4 years of college. this way not only they paid off the college loans but also had extra money to start off any certain business or in fact even put a down payment on a house. But if all goes to hell and leverage is dropped due to too many loses in the stock world then a huge mountain piles up of debt and it would be hard to swallow. play the cards right it may not be easy but its damn worth a try. good luck.

today i regret to say i almost killed myself. not that it was my fault in anyway possible but the fact that if it werent for my driving stunt move i would have killed myself and someone else. dont ask its a long story. well long story short i avoided a catastrophy. anyhow it didnt really struck me until later that right before the impact i froze for a second i finally got what people kept talking about in movies (my whole life flashed before my eyes) this happened because i was aware that i had no way out without a collision if it was on the other side of the street i wouldnt be typing this journal but i was fortunate enough to write this journal. anyhow since i knew there was no way out of this collision my mind also calculated the consequences. all this happened in less than a second. it was no thrill. this flash had made me shook for an entire 20 minutes not because it was cold but because out of fear. i had never shivered before out of fear. i dont know what to say but i have already imagined more than 25 versions of the accident. when all of this ended i just wanted to share this load with someone but i guess no one was there to let me pour out my feelings. i expected someone to listen out of all the people just one person but i guess i was wrong. i felt alone once again after a very long time.

omg. i didnt even do anything. in addition my mother started to bitch for no reason as well. not that i am not used to it but yea its just horrible. all i wanted to do was just help dimple with her least favorite subject which happens to be math. i wanted to help her because i know she would be sad if she didnt get a good grade on the test not that she cant but i just wanted to help. well in return she bites at me bitterly for no reason and after asking several hundred times what i had done that made her become this way she wouldnt say anything then later she says it was because math is her least favorite subject and us discussing it over the phone caused her to use bitter words to me. yesterday i went through an accident which not many teenagers go through and when they do most of them dont live. anyways i thought the reason i lived through it was because i received a second chance, a second chance to not be f***ED up to her anymore and others. here i am trying to change it but she grows bitter towards me for no reason at all. simply none. anyways i havent finished any homework yet. i still have 4 sets to go along with the worksheet. i cant concentrate , i just keep thinking that i must have done something wrong. i cant think anymore. i think this is going to be the worst week since a very long time. its funny how in life when you help others they bite you right in the buttocks. sometimes i feel like if i had a plane i would just fly away, away from everyone far where i would die alone. but thats okay me feeling all these things doesnt change anything, well i forgive her anyway even if she thinks she didnt do anything wrong.

It is kinda late. I am feeling a little sleepy and my day wasnt too good. I wasnt able to provide my girlfriend with chinese food *cough* and in addition i made her a little upset. Some technical dificulties should explain the situation. But yea it was pretty much booring because i was working with no break in between from school to work and thats not all i also had to drop my mother to her friends house because her husband died recently. I didnt mind but there were only some descrepancies. As usual i come home on thursdays and relax by washing my face and a hot shower then something to eat. All this is done in a very short time span more like in between 20-25 minutes. But i decided to do the right thing by taking my mother to her destination instead. Well there were some positives with that situation besides going to work late. She and i finally started to talk again it had been somewhere between 2-3 weeks. But yea she told me about job openings and asked how long would it take me to decide to start eating at home again. Anywho thats about it now i am going to do some chemistry homework and then sleep. Oh yea i m looking forward to a wonderful tomorrow. More time with my girlfriend and some chinese food along with some to make up for, for today. P.S. we are having thai food too at lunch.

Bored to death right now. i am in school its 4th period now. its really booring at the moment. there is tons of work to be completed but my mind isnt thoroughly fuctioning maybe some of the juices have left somewhere. anywho she seemed happy in the morning and i was happy too but then during somewhere in the midst of all this i hear from her and she isnt feeling to well and as usual its a woman thing. i dont know what to do but first we complain about not having much time together and when we do we just waste it by complaining how bad we are feeling. it is not like i dont understand its just how things are. there isnt much to do about it. anyways i am gonna go now and beat my head on this printer server till either my head breaks and splits open or this thing will succumb to me. well i ll go now before my mind rambles off to my philosophies of life. later. i hope my day get better.

must stay silent. its been a while since i have been on. hmmm. so much on the mind dont know where to start. ok well i ll start from yesterday more like 5 minutes ago which was the 1st. the airport inspectors came in today. i didnt want to be there because the fact is that if i saw them then i would be more upset than the reality of it which is that sooner or later i would be moving. i know that life works in its mysterious ways but sometimes it is really unfair. just look at it from this way when you dont have a reason then there is no direction but when you do have a reason then a direction is set no matter how much you dislike it. well in my case its pretty damn simple, i now have a reason and as mentioned earlier a direction is pointed or more like implied and there is no changing unless i rebel.anyways let me end this emotional paragraph before tears arrive no just kidding. yea well anyways i was having such a great day with my girlfriend, someone who is just amazing most of the time except when she is PMSing dont tell her i said that oh by the way i dont know when that happens. haha.anyways so yea i was having a great day with moments that i wished would just stop more like i wished that the time would freeze and just as i was thinking about that i turn around with my friends voice (AMEER, 2nd time, AMEER turn around) and there i see her mom one of the VIP spying spectators watching well more like catching her own daughter redhanded with her boyfriend whom she never tried to got to know. well anyways there was the usual me freaking out along with her and a immediate halt came in to the beautiful moments which i was hoping to freeze.see reality struck right there. so yea then she left with her mom cursing me out silently well i dont know for a fact but im sure she hates me with the biggest greatest passion a human could hate another but only in her own naive ignorance and bad experince from someone from my country. anyways this is becoming too long i got to go so yea she left and i was left with a mourning face which basically said that a part of me died. its quite amazing how i have to go through it everyday but i have great stamina and i would do it again and again just to spend those amazing brief moments. i have got to go its late.